The Final Post

On Feb. 24, 2013 Karl lost his battle with cancer. Then again, did he really lose?

An example of a post from one of my atheist Facebook

"friends." He was commenting on the story of a woman

who admitted to stabbing her mother. Apparently there

are millions of people of faith out there with "twisted brains."

Many of you are familiar with Facebook. I have an account and several of my “friends” are admitted atheists. Some are quiet about their beliefs, or should I say, disbeliefs. Others are quite vocal, mocking people who have faith. Some have said it’s a superstition – that belief in God is tantamount to believing in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.  Don't get me wrong, these admitted atheists are very good people; they also post very nice comments that talk about loving and caring for others. They hate war and theft and greed and corruption, but they say it makes no sense to believe in anything that can't be proven. They make fun of and post cartoons that paint anyone who has faith as dogmatic, foolish hypocrites who are the cause of all wars and woes of the world. I read their posts and comments on others’ walls and so badly want to respond, but each time I remind myself that they don’t know what I know. They haven’t heard what I've heard. They haven’t felt what I've felt. They haven’t witnessed what I've witnessed.

As a kid my parents took me and my brothers to church where we learned all the Bible stories. In my opinion, it was good for us to know at a young age that we could always count on God, who loved us so much that He gave His son to die for our sins – that through this gift, we would have eternal life. But I will admit that I had absolutely no comprehension until many years later what that meant. I was happy Jesus was born because that meant we received Christmas presents. I was glad for Easter because that meant we got a basket full of yummy candy.

My first experience with the Holy Spirit, which until then was a mystery to me, came when my dad was dying of cancer in 2001. I fasted and prayed continuously that he'd be healed. Many did. One night we had a group who gathered to pray over him. He received a miracle. It wasn't the one we were praying for, but the next morning when he awoke, his excruciating pain was completely gone. COMPLETELY GONE. A few weeks later when it was clear that Dad would lose his battle with cancer, I asked God to give me a glimpse of what Dad would experience in heaven. I told Him I knew I could handle Dad’s death if He could show me what it was like. Seconds later, a wave of the most intense feeling of love and indescribable peace – the peace that passes all understanding – consumed me. It couldn't have lasted more than two seconds, but I knew in that instant – I KNEW WITHOUT QUESTION – that I had been given and unbelievable gift, that God was real and that heaven existed. I knew Dad was going to a place that was so much better than here on earth. How can that possibly be superstition? How could I have subconsciously contrived that wave of feeling and utter peace?

God didn't stop there. The entire time Karl was battling cancer along with the secondary and tertiary illnesses and infections that accompanied it, God answered our prayers so many times. If you go back through the posts on this blog you can read about them. I think about his last few weeks at University Hospital, as well as St. Mary’s Hospital at the Mayo Clinic, and remember all the people who cared for him, how they touched him and how he affected them. I can't explain it any other way than the Holy Spirit was moving through the doctors and nurses and care providers (most of them anyway) and Karl energized them through his love of life and acceptance of whatever came his way. What a gift his sense of humor was!

December 27, 2012

When we were told his cancer had spread so quickly a year ago today, he paused for a moment and then began thinking about how to deal with it. His days were certainly numbered and it’s my belief that God wanted to spare Karl – and us – from all the pain and suffering that would certainly have accompanied those days. The next morning we were told Karl had hours to live due to the spread of the cancer in his brain.  I often reflect about the way he handled it. Think about it…he is given the worst news imaginable and how does Karl handle it? He wanted to spend his last hours loving, laughing with and saying goodbye to his friends, family and the people who took care of him. What a gift from God! (Both Karl and his ability to go out that way).

Since Karl’s death, God (and Karl) continues to augment our faith in His grace, forgiveness, love and life after death. I know, WITHOUT QUESTION, that Karl is okay. He has come to so many people in dreams. In one dream he told his dear friend that her brother, who ended his own life, was okay. She talked to Karl about it many times while he was still with us. It worried her and she wondered if her brother was okay and she said Karl spent a lot of time on the phone soothing her. In the dream, Karl was fishing with her brother. She saw Karl and her brother and her dad in a boat on a river. He didn't speak; he just had that big Karl smile. She was so affected that she had to call me to tell me about her dream. She said she never remembers her dreams so she was certain it was a message from Karl. She was comforted and her faith was tremendously strengthened. She is doubtless that her brother and her dad and Karl are okay. Even after his death, she said, Karl is still reassuring her.

In another dream my son-in-law shared, Karl walked up to him and told him to get rid of his wheelchair – he didn't need it anymore. In several dreams, he told one of his friends who was struggling to keep it together, to be responsible and stop his self-destructive behavior. This friend said he feels Karl with him frequently. He has since stopped drinking, gotten back with his girlfriend and their daughter, expanded his business and bought a house.

The day Karl died at precisely the time he passed, three of his friends had things happen. One saw Karl’s apparition as church services were ending; another had things fly (not fall, but fly into the aisle) off the shelf at the grocery store and another was taking a shower and a light came through the north-facing window in the bathroom and beamed on him. Have you ever had sunbeams stream through a north-facing window, especially in February?

We had a babysitter who tortured us as kids (but we loved her and still do). We had the 45 record of “Ben” sung by Michael Jackson and we played it over and over one night, singing at the top of our lungs. After the fifth or sixth time, she asked if we liked that song and when we said yes, she told us Michael Jackson had been hit by a truck and killed. Karl broke down in tears! We were both devastated. Later that evening she told us she was kidding, but neither one of us ever let her forget that night. As she was meandering through Meijers on the day after Karl died, on the overhead speakers she heard “Ben.”  Really? When is the last time you heard that song?!

St. Anthony is known as the Catholic patron saint of lost items, but our family isn’t Catholic so Karl has taken on the role…only he hides them, too(you know Karl the prankster!). Not even a month after he died, I cleaned out my purse three times looking for a bottle of pills. Mom, Kirk, Renee, Randy and I were in Florida and I kept asking everyone if they had seen the bottle and they watched while I emptied it on the bed and then put everything back systematically – THREE TIMES! Before I went to sleep that night I asked for Karl’s help in finding it. The next morning it was lying in my purse, just beneath my sunglasses case, which was at the top.  We were all astounded. Just yesterday, Karl was at it again. Several months ago, Mom hid some cash in a place only she knew about. When she went back to retrieve it, it wasn’t there. She was concerned and puzzled. She said she checked the hiding place at least 20 times and even dumped the contents to make sure she looked everywhere inside. She started questioning her memory and sanity! Then yesterday, as she was checking the hiding spot again, the money was right where she put it initially!

Shortly after his death and after hearing all these stories about Karl’s “visits,” Mom was in the kitchen at her grandniece’s house, complaining that he hadn't made his presence aware to her. Just about that time, an empty four-footed basket that sat squarely on top of the refrigerator “flew” off and landed at her feet. Later this past summer Mom was having a particularly difficult day and complained to Karl while on her way to take his dog Mati to the groomers. She told him he was communicating with everyone but her. When she emerged from the building after dropping off Mati, there was a magnificent double rainbow. But the most amazing thing is that the rainbow was in the western sky. When is the last time you saw a rainbow in the morning in the western sky? It was a first for me! She drove straight to my house to point it out to me.

On the day before his birthday I was at Mom’s in the garage cleaning some of Karl’s stuff, getting it ready to sell. Nobody was there but me and Mati. She was inside barking incessantly. The television was on, but I couldn't hear it in the garage. After about 15 minutes of bark, bark, bark, bark, I heard a loud “NO!” It was Karl’s voice. I thought I was hearing things, but then it dawned on me…Mati had stopped barking.

I could go on and on. He has “communicated” with so many people. They are kind enough to share their experience. I think it’s Karl’s way of continually telling us he’s okay while at the same time strengthening the faith of all involved. Ultimately, Karl’s message is that God’s promise is true. No, Karl didn't lose. He is, as Charlie Sheen says, “Winning!”

While we all miss Karl more than we can bear sometimes, we know he is whole and pain-free. To those who think that God is a superstition, I say I have the proof. I know it. I've witnessed it. I've heard it. And many of you have, too. I’m glad my atheist friends haven't had to experience the pain we've had to endure and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but at the same time, the guarantee of those messages and dreams and signs and symbols and songs is such a comfort. The atheists are right about this: we ARE hypocrites and sinners and imperfect and broken, but despite that we are forgiven. Thanks be to God.

Now my dear friends and family, this is my final post on this blog. I wish you God’s peace and I leave you with an Irish blessing, a Kerry original…

May you be blessed beyond measure,

May you have love and pleasure and

May you know God’s treasure,

Jesus Christ our Lord.

Karl's Song: "Folks Up the Road"

Many of you who live in Tecumseh know the Ries family. They lived two doors down the road from us for many years. Mom and Edie Ries were best buds and they used to talk to one another every day. We’ve gone through thick and thin with them and Karl’s illness and passing was no different. Each have helped us through this in their own special way.

Many of you may also know that Tim Ries now lives near New York City and has toured as a sideman, playing the saxophone and keyboards, with the Rolling Stones. (As I write this, he’s in Los Angeles rehearsing for the Stones next tour.) Anyway, Tim couldn’t make it to Karl’s celebration, but he wrote a song for the occasion. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to download the tune and put it on a CD for the church to play in time for the funeral, so I asked him if I could post it on the blog. He reluctantly said yes. He’s not happy with the quality because he did it so quickly. For that reason he asked that you not download the song. When the tour ends, maybe he’ll record it more to his liking and then I’ll update the blog with the new version.

Accompanying the song was this email message:

“Kerry,

“This is the song I wrote for Karl. In truth, it is a song about the feeling and the closeness I have toward your entire family. When I think of the blessed and happy childhood I experienced growing up on Macon Road, just down the road from the Hamiltons, next to the Schaffers, a stone’s throw from the Gibsons golf course and over the river, or creek as it were, and through the woods to the Jones house, it is nearly like another lifetime. Like it was someone else who lived it and yet it was me. It was all of our times. It was the best of times, to coin a phrase. How lucky we all were.

“Without question, one, or all of the Hamiltons were always at our house, whether we liked it or not (that dig was for you Kerry) or we were at their house every day that we weren't in school. As children we were always welcomed into anyone’s house in the hood. And everyone was welcome to our place. Our family had 4 children but it wasn't unusual to have 10 or 15 children at our place without any planned "play date". Just come on over and let’s have fun. Fun. Honest to goodness FUN with a capital F U N. Doing whatever. Maybe those very simple times are gone forever for children. I try to make my household similar to my childhood, fun and laughter whenever possible. Why not? Life is so very short and very precious.

“They say the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. Well, Dean and Jo Ann Hamilton always had a smile on their faces. Always. And their wonderful children always did as well. As for Karl, who seemed so much younger than me. All of 5 years. When you are 8 or 9 someone who is 3 is really young. But we always included Karl in our activities. Everyone but Kerry that is (OK, I will stop bashing Kerry) Maybe not :-)

“I am so saddened by the passing of Karl. I know he had been through so much these last few years. Unimaginable. It is so strange, when you are driving down the road and pass a house, you never know who is inside and what experiences are going on in that house. Each house, each person in that house has a story. We can only hope that they are happy stories. As the years pass, I am sure that each house has its share of joy and sorrow. Inside, where life is happening, we need to be living that life to its fullest. For we never know the next day what could happen.

“I think of just in our little neighborhood, how much joy that happened and how much sorrow. My own brother Mark taken from us at 7 years old. Matthew Jones in his teens. Scott Schaffer tragically in his teens. Not to mention our parents who have passed. And now Karl. Way too early. Such a positive, smiling loving force of life. He battled so many obstacles.

“I will miss him. I will miss his smile, the sound of his voice -- he had such a distinctive voice.

“The song I wrote is called "Folks Up The Road". It is for Karl, and his entire family. It is also for all of us in the community who share those wonderful childhood memories and experiences. It was joy and love.

“My sincere condolences to the Hamilton and Smith families. I sure love them.

“Tim”

Tim’s song and the words he wrote in the email moved me so much that about a week after Karl’s funeral, I wrote lyrics for it. I think they convey the feelings that Tim wrote above. If you play the video, the first slide is of the Ries family in 2005 -- Becky, Tim, Marcy, Teri and Edie is sitting. 

Here are the lyrics:

I look back at the time when I was young

When all I thought about was having fun

The simple times of playing in the yard

When neighbors came and gave time no regard

Folks up the road were always there

Through thick and thin, I always knew they cared

And now as I grow old

God bless folks up the road

The laughter, joy and innocence would show

that country, Midwest values overflow

All the fun spontaneous; I loved it

You can tell by the wear and tear on my old baseball mitt

Folks up the road were always there

Through thick and thin, I always knew they cared

And now as I grow old

God bless folks up the road

I want the same kind of road for my children

and I think I can give them that same road if I just try 

(Instrumental)

And now when I go driving down the road

With each house that I pass a story's told

Inside there may be lowly times or high

I hope they have what I've had to get by

Folks up the road were always there

Through thick and thin, I always knew they cared

And now as I grow old

God bless folks up the road

Life is so short we should live every moment

Cuz we never know when one of us will be called home

Tracks on our hearts

Photo taken 3-22-13

Photo taken 4-11-13

One of the things that reminds me daily of Karl are the tracks from his wheelchair that were left in our lawn when he visited on Christmas Day – his last time here. I go between the pain of seeing them and knowing that he won’t be making them again to wanting them always there because I don’t want to lose the visible signs of Karl’s existence. But as we get more rain and the temperature rises and the shoots of new grass burst through the brown thatch, the tracks are fading. I don’t want them to. Frankly, I want Karl back. Regardless of the fact that the tracks in my yard are fading and will soon be gone, the tracks Karl left on our hearts may fade a little, but they’ll never completely disappear. Thank God for that.

For those of you who live out of town or were unable to come to his celebration of life because you just didn’t think you could get through it, I’ll share with you some of the messages along with the service folder and  local newspaper obituaries.

 

First of all, Gloria Dei Lutheran Church was pretty full. I’m not sure how many it holds, but it reminded me of how full we are on Christmas and Easter…extra folding chairs needed to be set up in the back. At least 200 people took time out of their day to be with us. It made us feel good that so many people wanted to celebrate Karl’s life. And boy did we celebrate. I don’t ever recall a funeral where there was so much laughter – nor do I remember one that was so long! Karl would have loved it.

After Pastor Joyce read the lessons, four of Karl’s buddies spoke about their lives with and impressions of him. First was Stu Remley, one of Karl’s fraternity brothers at Adrian College. Before he got to his spiel, I asked him to read something I had written knowing I wouldn’t be able to deliver it. Here it is:

“Dear friends and family,

“Thank you all for helping us to celebrate Karl’s life. I know you share the sorrow and pain of Karl’s loss and so I’d like to offer a few words that will hopefully make you smile and perhaps help you be more Karl-like.

“Those of you who know Karl know he liked “deals.” For example, he loved buying in bulk because it was much cheaper than smaller lots. Nearly five years ago, when all his wonderful friends from Adrian Steel were cleaning out his house in Adrian, we found countless items that he had purchased in bulk, among them a gallon of Worcestershire sauce. What would ANYONE do with a gallon of Worcestershire sauce? The only thing we could figure was that he was going to make a heckuva lot of Chex Mix!

“He also liked to make purchases of absolute junk, thinking he could turn the junk into something remarkable. He was such an optimist. His theory was that he could use the amazing skills of his friends to fix, fabricate, or remodel whatever it was he had purchased.

“Take, for instance, his wheelchair-accessible vans. He has two. Let’s face it folks, they are CLUNKERS! No amount of expertise or skills could have turned them into sleek, smooth-driving vehicles. Neither of them came with the 5 liter turbo hemi with dual heads under the hood that he had envisioned. And while everyone who helped him with these projects did the best they could, they didn’t have much to work with. Yet he was able to go where he needed to go and do what he needed to do.

“That sort of describes Karl. His body was a real clunker – a piece of junk. Doctors, nurses and therapists didn’t have much to work with, yet they patched him up as best he could. He was able to do more with it than you or I could have ever envisioned had it been one of us. I think it’s because under the hood, God gave Karl one of the most amazing and powerful engines He ever created.

“I know I would have felt pretty sorry for myself had I faced the same daily challenges as he did. He got through it because he focused on others. He cheered for people. He was genuinely excited when people were able to go on vacations, get new toys, had babies, or had any sort of good news. Conversely, he was always encouraging or consoling people.

“Just a little over two weeks ago, Karl helped one of his nurses at U-M get through the illness and death of her sister. And he consoled many of us the last few days of his life. Karl loved everyone equally. In fact, his first roommate seven weeks ago at U-M was a homeless guy. After he was discharged, he came back to visit Karl twice!

“Karl truly made lemonade out of lemons. He didn’t concentrate on his problems because he was not about to let that define who he was. In fact, he made fun of himself which always put people at ease. I can’t tell you how many people over the course of the last few years had to look at his rear end to check wounds or incisions. Of course with all the surgeries, his bum had a bunch of long zipper-like scars. After turning over, he’d generally start the conversation with, “I used to be a butt model. Do you think my butt modeling days are over?” He was truly a human pin-cushion and he could have been constantly complaining, but as he often said, “What good will it do to complain? It doesn’t change the situation and all it does is make everybody miserable.”

“The great motivational speaker and author Steven Covey theorized that one of the basic things we strive for as humans is that we leave a legacy. Karl’s legacy is that he was loved by so many and the reason for that is that he truly, genuinely loved them. We can all continue Karl’s legacy and honor his memory by doing the little things Karl did. If we can all be just a little more considerate to one another, be happy for others victories and good news, offer encouragement and take joy in the little things life gives us every day, then we will all be more like Karl. And more like Christ.

“Now, how many of you have ever read Karl’s blog, No Hill for a Climber? The chorus for Karl’s theme song, “No Hill for a Climber,” goes like this:

That's no hill for a climber
That's no battle for a child of God
Satan's already been defeated
And the victory's been won
Jesus won the fight on Calvary
When he died for you and me
Now Satan get behind me 'cause I claim the victory

“Today Karl truly is victorious. When someone does something spectacular or performs in a way that goes above and beyond, we give them a standing ovation. Will you join me right now and give Karl the standing ovation he deserves?”

Everyone stood and applauded.

To be honest, because of the circumstances I only remember bits and pieces of the next four speakers and most of what I remember were humorous…I guess that’s where I chose to go on the day of Karl’s celebration. I’ll try to write what I remember, but I know I missed a lot. If I could get you to fill in the blanks and/or add your reflections by way of comment on this post I’d really appreciate it. In retrospect, we wish we had recorded the funeral, but instead we are going to rely on those of you who were there to help us remember.

After reading the letter from me, Stu talked about his experiences with Karl. His message – mixed in with lots of humorous Karl stories – was basically that we all are wondering why this happened to Karl. But his conclusion is that only Karl could have made this kind of impact with the circumstances he was given. As an example, after hearing Karl’s description of his buddy Rodney, Stu said before he met him he was sure if there was any trouble, Rodney would come swooping in wearing a cape, pick up the frat house, take care of any problems, put the house back down and fly off. This, of course, got lots of laughs. Stu continued that this was the way Karl felt about his friends…he was optimistic about everyone and saw the good in them. And this was the way he lived. On his last visit with Stu, Karl comforted him, saying he would go to prepare a place for him. So poignant.

Next up was Rodney Partridge, one of Karl’s childhood buddies. After Stu’s description of him, Rodney sheepishly approached the lectern and said, “I’m Rodney,” which of course made everyone laugh again. Rodney talked about Karl’s driving abilities, or his lack thereof. I know there were other very nice things Rodney said, but for some reason, the driving thing (and throwing poor David Martin around while he was sleeping) is what stuck out for me. Please help me fill in the blanks!!

Charley Rebottaro, another of Karl’s childhood friends, told the 2 x 4 story among others. When they were about eight years old, Karl and Charley were out playing at the Rebottaros where a new pole barn was being built. Leaning vertically against one of the partially-built walls was a stack of 2 x 4s. Karl was a little too close to the stack when all at once, one of the 2 x 4s fell and hit Karl on the head, knocking him down. Just as he was staggering to his feet, another 2 x 4 fell and hit him on the head, knocking him down again. This occurred over and over. Finally, Karl got his wits about him enough to scramble away from the last 2 x 4 so that it couldn’t hit him on the head. Instead, it hit him on the back of his legs and sent him flying into the electric fence. Imagine the laughter of those in attendance! On Charley’s last visit, Karl told him that his last CT scan revealed the source of all of his problems…a splinter from one of the 2 x 4s was found in his spinal cord! Charley said he grabbed Karl and gave him a kiss squarely on the lips before he left him the last time.

Isabel (Izzy) Lopez, who also spent a lot of time with Karl as a youngster and also went to school with Charley, told Charley a hand-shake would do if they were ever in similar circumstances. (More laughter). Izzy talked about Karl’s faith. Karl confided in Izzy in his last hours. Izzy is a part-time minister who comforted us all when he said he knew where Karl was. Izzy also sprinkled in moments of humor.

Finally, Pastor Joyce Freund tied all of these messages together by talking about Jesus’ love for his followers. Pastor Joyce didn’t know Karl long, but what she knew about him is that he loved people and they loved him. She also knew Karl loved Jesus as his savior. The gospel she used, John 14:1-7, is the one where Jesus is telling his disciples that he is going ahead to prepare a place for them and that if they believe in him, they will know where to find him. Thankfully, Karl knew the way.

Our dear friend Mary Ferguson, in whose house Mom and Karl stayed when their house was being remodeled in 2008 after Karl’s release from Mayo, sang “Hymn of Promise.” It was so comforting. We didn't get to play the song that our dear friend Tim Ries wrote and recorded the night before the funeral. But since then I've written lyrics. He doesn't want me to share it until he's tweaked it, so that will be left for another post.

After going to the brief committal service at the cemetery, where Karl was laid to rest next to our dad, we enjoyed a meat loaf dinner at the church, prepared by our dear friend Rosemarie Poehlsen and the other wonderful ladies in the kitchen at Gloria Dei. After fellowship there, we had a wake for Karl at the American Legion in Tecumseh where more stories were told.

Here’s hoping the tracks Karl left on your heart will never fade completely.

Blessings,

Kerry

At the wake: l-r, Steve Kampmueller, Annette Niedermier, Mom,
Jeff Niedermier, Renee Cambrey, Kirk, Gloria Brooks, Julie Aten,
Scott Kampmueller, me, Marcy Vanderpool

At the wake: far left - Izzy Lopez, Mom, Rodney Partridge,
right center is Terri Partridge, Rodney's wife.

Sign inside Muk's Sports Pub on 2-28-13.
There was a sign honoring Karl outside,
as well.

Happy Easter

Greetings from sunny and warm Florida, and Happy Easter! The celebration of Jesus' resurrection is the sentinel event in our Christian lives. The Easter promise gives us all comfort, strength and peace knowing we will be united with our loved ones when it's our turn to go home. Praise God for that amazing gift!

In the meantime, we are still receiving messages from friends and family that they've had dreams about Karl or have had strange things happen that immediately make them think of Karl. There are two ways to explain these things: coincidence or the real deal. Because of our faith in God and in Jesus' words and deeds (and because of the comfort it brings) we believe Karl is around, letting us all know he's enjoying the Easter promise and that we can be absolutely sure of it.

If Karl has visited you in a dream, or if you were thinking of him and something out of the ordinary happened that seems too coincidental, will you please share your experience? Everyone seems to love these stories; it's such a testament to the Easter promise. I want to compile some of them (I won't name you [unless you want me to]), and post them on this blog so that everyone can see that there's too many events occurring for them to be happenstance. I find it amazing that even now Karl continues to strengthen my faith! I hope he's having the same effect on you.

In January when he heard we had made plans to come to Florida, Karl said in his typical, guilt-trip, chiding fashion, "Oh sure...leave the cripple up north in the cold while you have a great time on vacation in the warm sun.  Don't worry about me. I'll be just fine."

As nice as it is here, I'm sure Karl is in a heckuva lot better place than us!

Enjoy your day and remember to rejoice in the promise of Easter!

Blessings

P.S. Email hamiltonsmith.family@gmail.com with your "Karl event" and let me know whether or not I can use your name. Thanks!

Only Karl

Most of you know that Karl Hamilton loved people and he loved to laugh. It didn't matter who you were, your background, age, sex – he just flat-out loved people. I think it was because whatever love he gave, it came back to him and then some. Take, for instance, the homeless guy who was in the bed next to Karl when he arrived at the trauma-burn unit at University Hospital Jan. 6. The curtain was always drawn between their beds, but a thin curtain didn't stop Karl from endless hours of chat when no visitors or medical personnel were present. Karl made such an impression that this guy came back twice to visit Karl. We found out later that Karl hid the guy's booze bottle under his bed while he went for a doctor’s visit and that later he and his buddy were kicked out of Karl’s room because they were having a party and were a little too noisy. Only Karl.

And then there were all the friends he made with the nurses and techs in the trauma-burn unit. One guy was going to take him to a Tigers' game when he got out. Another knew Karl from when he worked at the bike shop. Another nurse emailed photos of dogs she rescued and he forwarded the photos on to me and told me the amazing story of how she rescued them from a ditch and that they now belong to a famous Nashville song writer. One of the techs used to work for a company that harvested transplant organs. He told Karl all about it. One early morning as he came in to check Karl's vitals and Karl was sleeping, he awoke and told him not to get any ideas because he was still using his organs. Imagine the laughter that got! And then there was the nurse who spent hours with Karl; he counseled her during the weeks her sister was dying and then after her death. He was the listening ear she needed to get through. Only Karl.

On Feb. 13, Gloria Brooks and Marcia Bohannon planned
to visit. Rather than text them his room number, we decided 
to send them this photo instead.

After we found out the cancer had come back and his right arm/hand had lost nearly all function due to the tumor on his C-spine and that the surgery to remove the tumor was unsuccessful, his new nurse on the neuro floor was his newest victim. She had him for only four 12-hour shifts during what would be the last week of his life, yet he still played pranks and in that short time he had her wrapped in his love and laughter. She was there for some of his most excruciatingly painful times – both emotionally and physically – and yet she felt better for having met him. For example, she talked to him one day about going to a sub-acute rehab facility. His answer? He started singing the Amy Winehouse song: “They wanted me to go to rehab, but I said, a no, no, noooo.” Later she was flushing his IV while he was napping. His eyes opened, he feigned gasping breaths and then he turned to the side with his tongue hanging out, pretending he had expired. She let him have it…told him she’d kill him if he ever did that again, and then apologized to us because she was never that unprofessional. Of course we were laughing. No apologies needed. Only Karl.

God works in mysterious and miraculous ways. At the time of Karl’s seizure – one month ago today, in fact – and the day he found out he had run out of time, our dear friend Marcy was there. She had just gotten off her shift and came to visit. God’s timing was amazing and I’m so thankful He chose Marcy to be there when that happened. I'm so glad he wasn't alone. Before we arrived at the hospital, Karl had received the news. When we got there, Marcy was in the bed with him; they were holding each other, whispering “I love you” to one another, crying, laughing and just loving one another. Only Karl.

Karl’s surgeon, Dr. Orringer, who had the horrible task of telling us what was happening, met us in the hallway. Cousin Trese, who also works at the U, told us later that cases are usually delegated to other doctors who then report back to the head surgeon. But because of Trese's connection and because Karl was who he was, Dr. Orringer was there. Little could be done. So between Trese, Marcy, the chaplain, Mom and me, we had to figure out whether to keep Karl comfortable or to put a ventric in that would give him some time for goodbyes. Then it dawned on me; my husband Randy was in the room with Karl, comforting him and talking/laughing/crying. Randy is always so objective. He’d know what to do. And so as I entered, Randy said he knew what we were going to ask and that Karl was lucid and could make his own decisions. Karl chose to be able to say goodbye. How courageous. How selfless. Only Karl.

Brother Kirk had already scheduled a flight to come home and say goodbye, thanks to Wally and Wendy Burr, but when I asked who else Karl would like me to call, he told me a few names. I emailed others. Between Friday afternoon and Saturday night, more than 100 people – childhood, high school, college, work and hometown friends, a legion of nurses and techs from the trauma-burn unit, his neuro nurse of four days, and family – all came to say goodbye. There were so many people coming to see Karl, that the front desk at University Hospital where there’s a capacity of almost 1,000 patients, made maps to his room. Only Karl!

One of his visitors on his final full day, Jen, got this final

photo with Karl. Thanks for the great last photo, Jen.

Generally intensive care units at hospitals like peace and quiet so that patients can rest, but the people in the neuro ICU at U-M were very understanding and encouraged us to keep folks coming. Karl’s vitals were always better when people were with him. Lot’s of laughter filled Karl’s room…like when Karl’s high school buddy Butch told Karl he looked “like shit.” And then another high school chum Charley chimed in, “I've seen him look worse.” A nurse who admitted she was an Ohio State graduate (what was she thinking? She was at U-M!), was emptying his foley catheter. Another friend said, “that’s a high-skilled job at OSU, isn't it?” Karl doubled over with laughter. He thanked everyone for coming. His kissed hands and cheeks and lips. He cried. He grimaced with pain. He told some he’d be okay. He told others he didn't want to die. He told others he wasn't afraid. He told people to drive safely. He told others he’d prepare a place for them. He made people promise they’d do better. He told people to focus. He told kids he’d watch over them. He told EVERYONE he loved them. Only Karl.

And then around midnight, Karl announced to Kirk that he was going to die. About 2 a.m. his vitals started lowering dramatically. He was in a great deal of pain so they started an IV drip of morphine. Around 3 a.m., Randy, Michelle and I headed to the hospital. Nikki stayed with Mom and was later joined by Marcy and Carol Partridge. We were met at the hospital by our family: Trese, Steve, Steven, Joe and Emily Kampmueller, Katie and Jeremy Castorena, and later by friends Rodney and Terri Partridge. As the shifts changed around 7 a.m., the nurse who was leaving grabbed me by the shoulders and told me she had never seen such an amazing display of love. Only Karl.

Later that morning Dr. Orringer came specifically to tell us how sorry he was. He gave everyone hugs, told us he wished he could have done something – anything – to have helped Karl. Apparently this is not the norm for him, but some how, some way, Karl broke through that emotional barrier I’m sure all medical professionals have to build in order to survive.

Around 10:30, Karl’s breaths were shallower, fewer and farer between. We all gathered around his bed. We urged him to go. We all gave him permission. We all told him we loved him. We told him to grab Dad’s hand, to grab Jesus’ hand. When many seconds had passed between breaths I said, “I think our boy is gone.” Then he took another short breath, and I said, “Well, I guess he’s got one more lap.” We all laughed. And guess what? Karl took his last breath in the moment we were all joined together in laughter and love. Only Karl.

Blessings and love.

Mom and I were among seven women in an ecumenical Christian clown group called the Clown Connection. We’d pantomime skits that had fun, but meaningful Christian messages or they’d tell a Bible story. We’d always end our gigs with the prayer below. I think it’s a pretty appropriate prayer for Karl, too.

The Clown Prayer

As I stumble through this life,

Help me to create more laughter than tears,

Dispense more happiness than gloom

Spread more cheer than despair.

NEVER let me become so indifferent

That I will fail to see the wonder

In the eyes of a child

Or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged.

NEVER let me forget that my total effort

Is to cheer people, make them happy

And forget, at least momentarily,

All the unpleasantness in their lives.

AND, in my final moment,

May I hear you whisper…

“When you made my people smile,

You made me smile!”

The final climb

Many of you already know that Karl reached the summit on Sunday, Feb. 24, 2013 at 10:45 a.m. at University Hospital in Ann Arbor. But I know many of you want to know about Karl's final, turbulent climb. What really happened? This post will be a matter-of-fact one. I'll get into the unbelievable, amazing, beautiful stuff about Karl's last days (and post-death) in a subsequent post. Karl continued to amaze people until the very end. He was so courageous. His obituary can be found at http://www.handlerfuneralhomes.com/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=1988686&fh_id=14562

I'll try, to the best of my ability, to give you these events in chronological order. This is tough, but therapeutic

September 2012 -- After a great summer, that included swimming and taking a few steps, Karl starts to notice his legs aren't moving as well and are becoming more numb. He relies on the little bit of feeling and strength he has in them to transfer from chair to chair and in one case, to stand up and take three steps to and from a pontoon boat.

October 2012 -- Karl thinks perhaps the reason he is beginning to lose strength is because some of the hardware in his back is broken. A CT scan or MRI, not sure which, reveals that the hardware was still good, but no cancer appeared on the scans so Karl decides to buy a toy hauler, convert it into a wheelchair-accessible camper so he can go on the annual hunting trip -- which he had missed the four previous years -- with his buddies.

November/December 2012 -- Karl has lost all feeling and strength in his legs. His oncologist at U-M is concerned and contacts his surgeon at Mayo, Dr. Yaszemski. Dr. Y calls Karl on Christmas Eve and tells him to have a good holiday, but he'd like to get to the bottom of the issues and tells him he wants him to have an MRI, among other images. They will schedule it for after the new year.

Jan. 3, 2013 -- Karl starts off for Ann Arbor to get images. It is in the single digits temperature-wise. The door on his van won't close (it usually closes after going about 500 yards, but this time it doesn't). He comes back home and tries to start the other van. It won't work. By this time, he is freezing cold and comes inside. Mom starts to see the same symptoms Karl had when he had the pneumonia in 2010. She wants to get him as warm as possible as quickly as possible so she gets him in bed and puts a heating pad under his stocking feet because they are icy cold. She checks on his feet periodically and is satisfied that Karl is warming up and he begins to act normal again.

Jan. 5, 2013 -- Because Karl can't feel his feet and Mom's only thought was to get him warm, the heating pad was left on for hours. When Karl takes his socks off, well, let's just say it wasn't good. So Karl and Mom head up to Herrick Hospital. They think maybe it's frostbite because of how cold Karl's feet had gotten. The folks at Herrick decide it's a burn and tell him to go to U-M. We arrive at 10:30 p.m. After checking him out they decide they want to admit him because of the burns.

Jan. 6, 2013 -- At 4:30 a.m. Karl finally arrives at his room in the trauma burn unit.

January 2013 -- Throughout the month they take excellent care of Karl, debriding his burns, etc. In the meantime, he finally gets the MRI he was supposed to have on Jan. 3. It reveals a "mass" lower down near his spine along with one in the area he already had radiated. Dr. Scheutze tells Karl that if the mass in the area already radiated is cancer, there is little that can be done. However, the other mass further down can be zapped. That was a bitter pill to swallow. However, later on Dr. Scheutze talks with Dr. Yaszemski who thinks the mass of greatest concern is probably scar tissue and is likely the cause of the loss of function. Collective sigh of relief. In the meantime, a decubitous ulcer on his bum begins burrowing all the way to the metal in his back, AGAIN. We've dealt with that before. No big deal. We are told Karl will be released so Mom gets a Hoyer lift so he can get in and out of his bed/shower without irritating the decube.

Early February 2013 -- They continue to debride the burns on Karl's heals, which sometimes require them to take Karl to the operating room. At one point, doctors tell us that the wounds are so deep, the bone in his heal is nearly exposed and that if it doesn't get better, they would have to amputate. The way to grow healthy tissue is by eating massive amounts of protein. You can only imagine the copious amounts of meat, protein shakes, etc. Karl consumed. He didn't want to lose his feet. He can't go home because of the wound vacuum they put in each heel.

Feb. 10th (ish), 2013 -- After one of these debriding surgeries, in which they lay Karl face down to do the actual procedure, he begins complaining of severe neck pain. We thought it was a charlie horse. Then the pain spread to his right arm and his finger-tips and thumb start getting numb. Then he loses strength in his right arm. His blood pressure and heart-rate become erratic and he develops a low-grade fever. They transfer him to the trauma-burn ICU. They decide to do an MRI with dye on his neck. It reveals lots of small masses and a larger one, about 2 cm, on his C-spine, C-4 to be exact. They also tell us there are cancer cells everywhere; his brain "lit up." They figure it is metastatic cancer, but until they do a biopsy, they won't know for sure. We are all devastated. They think they can "peel" off the mass, which will not restore function, but it will stop it from getting worse. They tell us if it is metastatic cancer, he can have chemotherapy and radiation. New hope.

Feb. 13, 2013 -- Karl is scheduled for surgery, but they can't fit him in. They reschedule it for Friday, Feb. 15. First case.

Feb. 15, 2013 -- 8 a.m.: Karl is taken from pre-op to surgery. They tell us it will probably be two hours before they begin the operation, which should last about 6 hours, but will let us know how surgery progresses. At 10 a.m. we are told the surgery has begun. At 11:30 we are told they are doing a biopsy. At noon we receive another call saying they were closing. We are, again, devastated. We know what that means. About an hour later, Dr. Orringer, Karl's surgeon, tells us that the preliminary biopsy revealed it was malignant nerve sheath sarcoma and that the tumor they were trying to remove was intertwined with his vertebrae and spinal column. He tells us they removed some of it to give Karl some relief but would endanger his life if he removed any more. He tells us there is no cure. Karl is moved to neuro ICU and is his usual happy self. I tell him the outcome of his surgery and his reply? "Well, that sucks." A nurse approaches me and talks about palliative care. I know what this means, but choose not to mention it to Mom or Karl. None of the doctors approach me about it.

Feb. 18-20, 2013 -- Karl is transferred to the regular neuro floor. I approach his nurse about palliative care. She said there has been talk, but that nothing is definitive. Karl has numerous doctors come in and out of his room. One radiologist tell Karl nothing can be done. Devastation. An hour later, the head of the department tells Karl they can shrink the tumors and perhaps even make them disappear. Hope again. One morning a resident comes in to talk to Karl. He is alone. She tells him to get his affairs in order. He is devastated. I am ANGRY! Later as it turns out, I am complaining to a resident about the situation. I tell her a tactless, moronic resident with no bedside manner, and the compassion of a serial killer came it and told Karl, without a shred of empathy and without any family present for support, to get his affairs in order. After she left, Karl told me it was her! I wonder if she got the message. Then a discharge planner comes in and tells Mom that Karl is ready for discharge to a sub-acute unit. They want him to gain strength so he can handle the radiation. However, she says there are no beds available and asks Mom if she can handle him at home. We are baffled by this.

Feb. 21, 2013 -- I tell the discharge planner I don't think Karl is ready to come home nor is Mom able to take care of him in his present state. At 5 p.m. Dr. Scheutze comes into the room. He tells us they still don't have the final pathology report, but that it is, indeed, metastatic cancer. He said they are unable to do chemo. He thought a seed cell got into the spinal fluid and it "took off." He said he'd never seen anything like it. I ask how many tumors and he replies, "Many." I ask how long. He tells us it depends on whether it's slow-growing or fast-growing. He tells us if it's fast-growing, it may be a month or two. If it's slow-growing, which he thinks it is, it would depend upon how Karl responded to the radiation. Again, devastation. But it typical Karl fashion, he decides he wants to get strong enough to go back out to Mayo to see what Dr. Yaszemski has to say. We agreed.

Feb. 22, 2013 -- I get a call about 6:30 a.m. from my friend Marcy who works at the U. She had just gotten off her shift and was visiting him. As she was about to leave, Karl had severe head pain and then a "staring seizure." Doctors decide to take him to get a CT scan. It revealed there was fluid in his brain. En route to the hospital, doctors called to tell me there was a serious change of condition for Karl. Upon arrival, Dr. Orringer is there to greet us. He tells us (by that time, "us" was Mom, Randy, Marcy, cousin Trese [who also works there], the chaplain and me) that there was little that could be done for Karl. He has hydrocephalus caused by cancer cells clogging the ability for his brain to drain. Normally, they are able to put a shunt that drains into the body, but because Karl has an open wound, they can't do that; he'd get Meningitus which would cause excruciating, uncontrollable pain. The other two options are to make him comfortable and he'd pass within 24 to 48 hours or put a smaller drain in, which would give him 48 to 72 hours. Karl was very lucid and chose to be able to say goodbye.

After countless visitors on Feb. 22 and 23rd, he announced at about midnight on the 24th to my brother Kirk that he was going to die. At 10:45 a.m., surrounded by family and two of his best friends, Karl took his last breath. And we were all laughing when he did. Can you think of a better way for Karl to go to heaven?

My next post, when I get the strength and time, will be about all the amazing things that happened while Karl was in the hospital and after his death. What an amazing dude.

Blessings and love,

Kerry

Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong

Joe Cocker sings Feeling Alright, which are about the only words in the song that I can understand. Joe also sings With a Little Help From My Friends. Same thing. I can discern "I get by," which, of course precedes the song title. Most of the rest of his song lyrics sound something like "Omm nottfeeellintoo oood mnmniselv." You know what I'm talking about. Kinda like Ozzy Osbourne only a little easier to understand with less screaming.

The important words, "feeling alright" and "I get by with a little help from my friends," describe how Karl's doing right now. Each day he's been traveling to Herrick Medical Center where he's receiving his antibiotic infusions and making friends with the nurses and staff there. The daily trips are making him stronger because he has to get in and out of his wheelchair. During the so-called blizzard last week, Mom and Karl stayed with Randy and me so he could get to the hospital. We were afraid their country road would be drifted shut, which it was.

Last week we met with Dr. Scheutze whose medical assistant removed the stitches in his long incision. The shorter one has a small amount of fluid leaking, which they think is because he's been stretching and perhaps tearing the stitches a bit. Karl's getting a CT scan Wednesday and we will meet with Dr. Scheutze again on Thursday to see how it's healing.

Dr. Winder from Mayo called Karl to see how things were going. He said the nurses and staff there were asking about him. Of course we've been wondering about everyone there as well, namely Joline and Elizabeth. We hope all is well! Just remember what Joe Cocker sings, "Loveliftsusupwherrrre we beelong."

Blessings,

Kerry

Willie Nelson's Got Nothing On Us

On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again...

If all goes as planned, we'll be on the road late tomorrow morning after Karl meets with the physical therapists to discuss what he needs in terms of a seat and a new power chair. We've had a flurry of activities the past few days. Karl's had his rear mapped and has been getting out of bed to build strength as well as giving all the nurses a rough time. Mom and I have been packing and she's been learning how to take care of Karl's wound. Stitches are due to come out on Monday.

Dr. Yaszemski, or should I say Gen. Yaszemski, left yesterday for a two-week stint with his Air Force group. Before he left, he told Karl what he thought about his condition: he hopes the infection can be controlled with the antibiotics and he has prescribed Karl eight weeks of daptomycin and another antibiotic I can't remember. If he can't tolerate that, they cut it back to six weeks. He will go every day to Bixby to get these drugs. We are trying to change that to Herrick, and if that doesn't work, perhaps Saline. After the IV infusions, he will go on oral antibiotics. We pray no new dicubitus ulcers form. If they do, Karl will have to come back for surgery to remove the hardware. We truly hope that doesn't happen because that could mean a very long stay for Karl.

Karl's physical therapists think some of the metal in his back is digging into the muscles in his rear when he sits. We agree. And when he transfers from uneven surfaces he sometimes lands with force on his bum. So he also has to work on building up his strength. The therapists have advised us to have Karl fitted at Mayo (since they are about the only hospital in the world that does this kind of surgery). Of course we want to be sure he gets the appropriate power chair that fits him best to prevent further injuries and ulcers. This process will take about eight weeks and since Dr. Y wants to see Karl in April, we figured it makes sense for Karl to get fit here in Rochester.

In terms of Karl's overall health, his heart rate is still a bit high, but his blood pressure is normal. His kidneys are the best they have been in over a year (creatinine was 1.9 today!). His INR (blood thickness) needs work and he'll be giving himself heparin injections until he gets that in check. His hemoglobin is still low, but higher than it's been in quite some time. His heels have healed significantly with the new boots in which he's styling. The Rooke boots, designed by Dr. Rook, a Mayo physician, look like mukluks. Karl said they are very comfortable.

Anyway, we are hoping to be home sometime tomorrow (Thursday) night and we are all looking forward to being home. Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes. Oh, by the way, Karl's neighbor, Joline, is doing much better. I have absolutely no doubt that your prayers helped her turn the corner. Today I walked by her room and saw her chatting on the phone.

Blessings,

Kerry